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Stump The Standup 10_17-The Best
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2014-12-10
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Here is the transcript of Stump the Stand up from Saturday Night 10/14/95.
A presentation of ABC On-Line.
Keyword: JOKES
ComedyNite: Felicia Michaels who you may have seen on A&E Caroline's Comedy
Hour, and she won 100,000 on Star Search.
Question: What's the difference between Christopher reeve and OJ?
Felicia Michaels: OJ walked.
Question: how do we play? what's the format of this event?
ComedyNite: Send in your jokes and or questions and the comic will answer.
Question: Why was it important to release OJ before Thanksgiving?
ComedyNite: Cause he is the only one who knows how to carve the white meat.
Question: Did she pay taxes on that?
Felicia Michaels: Yeah, after taxes I got about $50.
Comment: What do women and wine have in common?
Felicia Michaels: The older they are the more bitter they are.
Question: What would Johnny Cocharan say if Nicole's finger fell out of OJ's
pocket in front of the jury?
Felicia Michaels: Doesn't matter...The white man is keeping everyone down.
Question: why wasn't OJ tried in west Virginia?
Felicia Michaels: Everyone has the same DNA in West Virginia.
Question: What does the Bermuda Triangle and a prostitute have in common?
Felicia Michaels: They are both sinking holes.
Question: What exactly does Bill Clinton stand for?
Felicia Michaels: The National Anthem.
Question: What did OJ say on the way out of the court room after the verdict?
Felicia Michaels: Can I have my hat and gloves back?
Question: A Horse walks into a bar. The Bartender says...
Felicia Michaels: Why the long face.
Question: Did you hear that Melissa Ethridge died?
Felicia Michaels: Yeah. She drown....They found her face down in Ricki Lake.
Question: What's OJ favorite soft drink?
Felicia Michaels: SLICE!
Question: What do you get when you put OJ, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson
together?
Felicia Michaels: The Butcher, The Laker and the License plate maker.
Question: why is OJ the new spokesman for Star burst?
Felicia Michaels: The Juice is Loose
Question: What did you have to do for the 100,000 you won on star search?
Felicia Michaels: Two minutes of incredibly lame jokes that people in the Mid West
would understand.
ComedyNite: KINSEY75 askedWho hasn't seen Madonna breasts?
Felicia Michaels: Sheik Abdul Rachman
ComedyNite: RevSnauze asked....Did you hear the Kurt Cobain has a new beer
coming out....
Felicia Michaels: Yeah, it has no head.
Question: How can you tell if you have a blond for a secretary?
Felicia Michaels: There is white out on the screen.
Question: What's the new Disney movie starring OJ called?
Felicia Michaels: Beauty and the Beast....This time it's personal.
Question: If Grace Kelly were alive today, what would she be doing?
Felicia Michaels: She'd be on the cover of STROKE magazine.
Question: Do you know what OJ said when asked if he was thinking of getting
remarried?
Felicia Michaels: He said, I might take another stab at it.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Felicia Michaels: To get away from the OJ jokes.
ComedyNite: OK....Thanks to Felicia for playing. Now welcome Mike Ivy.
Question: If you need a ride to airport call OJ...
MIKE IVY: He'll got you there with time to kill.
Question: How was Star Search as a career move, and does Ed McMahon REALLY
smell like a Clydesdale??
MIKE IVY: YOU ARE CORRECT SIR.
ComedyNite: Gentleben wanted to know who would play OJ in the movie....
MIKE IVY: SLASH
Question: how did David Copperfield get AIDS?
MIKE IVY: He asked for a volunteer from the audience.
Question: What is difference between a toilet and a FSU Sorority Girl?
MIKE IVY: At least a toilet seat goes down.
ComedyNite: LafManage would like to know...What is big, black and in OJ's hottub?
ComedyNite: Al Cowlings
Question: What's Jeffrey Dahmers favorite shampoo
MIKE IVY: Head and Shoulders.
Question: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
MIKE IVY: Keep the tip.
Question: What 2 things does O.J. have that every man in America want?
MIKE IVY: A dead ex-wife and a Heisman trophy.
Question: Why did the astronauts bring toilet paper into space?
ComedyNite: For the ring around Uranus.
Question: What's the difference between politics and a wife?
MIKE IVY: Your wife always find out when you are lying.
ComedyNite: Do you know why OJ is taking up Golf?
MIKE IVY: He wants to work on his slice.
ComedyNite: YungnLust would like to know how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
MIKE IVY: 100....1 to screw it in and 99 to high five.
ComedyNite: OK...Mike that was great.....
ComedyNite: Mike has to go on stage and be funny.
ComedyNite: Now please welcome Liz Winstead, who has been on all the shows.
ComedyNite: Please send in your jokes for Liz.
Question: who are you?
Liz Winstead: Your worst nightmare.
Question: How do you contact OJ on the internet?
Liz Winstead: slash, backslash, slash, backslash, escape.
Question: What does it mean when a blonde has a runny nose?
Liz Winstead: OJ's coke dealer just showed up.
Question: What happened to Greg Rogell? I thought he was playing tonight.
ComedyNite: He's not here...
Question: What did OJ say to Nicole right before he killed her?
Liz Winstead: Your waiter will be right with you.
Question: how do you treat a priapism?
Liz Winstead: Invite Lorana Bobbit over.
Question: did you know that Mrs. Quayle is pregnant?
Liz Winstead: Dan's out of town.
Question: what do sharks eat for breakfast?
Liz Winstead: Jets.
Question: What is the difference between And Iraqi women and a fish
Liz Winstead: Sally Fields never portrayed a fish.
Question: what do you see when you look between your legs??
Liz Winstead: The back of your head.
Question: what happens when you put the batteries in backwards in the
Energizer bunny??
Liz Winstead: He keeps coming and coming and coming.
Question: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
Liz Winstead: Fertilized.
Question: What do you call a man with no arms or Legs, flying through the
air?
Liz Winstead: Flip
Question: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Liz Winstead: No guts.
Question: Why does Hillary Clinton only wear long dresses?
Liz Winstead: So you can't see her balls
Question: How do you go about seeing the official bird of NY?
Liz Winstead: Just breathe.
Question: What do you call a Lesbian Eskimo?
ComedyNite: Melissa Iceridge.
ComedyNite: Liz has to go on stage....Please welcome Jaffe Cohen.
Question: Your mamas so nasty...
JAFFE COHEN: She's dead...Thanks.
Question: What do you call a gay lumberjack??
JAFFE COHEN: RuPaulBunyan.
Question: What is the difference between a soldier and a civilian?
JAFFE COHEN: Civilians have high school diplomas.
Question: Why are they thinking of going to astro turf at Texas Stadium in
Austin?
JAFFE COHEN: The up keep is cheaper.
Question: What's the first thing to go though a bugs mind when he hits your
windshield?
JAFFE COHEN: It's ass.
ComedyNite: KandyMan1 would like to know what's the difference
between a comedian and oj simpson?
JAFFE COHEN: OJ Kills.
Question: What does "OJ" stand for?
JAFFE COHEN: Obscure Justice
Question: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
JAFFE COHEN: You gonna eat that?
Question: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?
JAFFE COHEN: Bob
Question: Yo mammas so fat... Come on can't you do it I can...
JAFFE COHEN: She wears canned hams for earrings. She has her own zip code.
Question: How do Eskimos make love?
ComedyNite: Up the ice hole.
Question: What's wrong with pushing a cadillac off a cliff with 4 lawyers in
it??
JAFFE COHEN: Cause it seats six.
Question: What is long and hard and pointed right at you?
JAFFE COHEN: The pencil in Bob Doles bad hand.
Question: What does Tim Allen scream when he's ready for sex?
JAFFE COHEN: It's tool time.
ComedyNite: One more joke for Jaffe
Question: what do you call a deadhead who just broke up with his girlfriend??
JAFFE COHEN: Homeless.
ComedyNite: Thanks everyone for playing.
ComedyNite: Check the library on Monday for the Transcript.
C 1995 CapCities/ABC